mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
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SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!