Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
You Might Also Like
Don’t touch that.
Still writing 2023 on all my ransom notes.
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
figuring out my emotional availability:
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
I’m not superstitious because it brings bad luck.
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
The first one, obviously
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.