*kicks the door in*
PEOPLE DESERVE TO BE TREATED WELL AND HAVE THEIR NEEDS MET AND ALSO I’M SORRY ABOUT THE DOOR
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[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
File under excellent bookstore names.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Barbie’s head is in the refrigerator. Ken swears a “giant child” did it. The police shrug and slap handcuffs on Ken and lead him away.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.