Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
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*showing my kids bobsledding clips*
My 5yo: *matter of factly* They should all be screaming.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Nobody:
South Asians: can someone get married so I can dress up
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
can’t bark with your mouth full
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
When someone starts a Facebook post with “there are no words…” You better get prepared because you’re about to read a lot of words.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley