If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
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Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Cake!!
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
Having sex is like riding a bike. Specifically, like that scene in Pee-wee’s Big Adventure where everyone in the world has a bike except you
Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
tryna choke on gummy bears so my tombstone can read killed by a bear
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…