If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
You Might Also Like
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My wife has been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.
So, Ive taken the hint.
Got her a magazine rack!
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
Banderslack Clamberdorch
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”