Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
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me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
2023 was just a warmup
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
Money can’t buy me Love, but it buys having someone else wash my hair…
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.