ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so
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TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.