Venn
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It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
just pretend nothing happened
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
I sure didn’t win the genetic lottery. I can eat healthy and diet for 6 months and lose 10 lbs. I eat like shit for 3 and a quarter days and gain 73
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*