Happens to everyone.
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My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
“i miss shittin on people”
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
Awesome parenting 😂
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better