It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp