Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
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When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”