Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
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People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
[first day as a cop]
MY PARTNER: oh shit, there’s a body in this house!
ME: yeah frank, there are bodies in all houses, that’s where people live
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered