this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
You Might Also Like
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
With this onion ring, I thee fed
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep