Every birth announcement I see the parents are like “we’re already so in love!” Just once I want a “she seems chill but we’ll see what happens”
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When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
hey sory i just saw this mesage u sent last month even tho all my notifications make sounds and my phone is in my hand even when im sleeping
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
MTV stopped having their “Unplugged” specials because the shitty artists we have now can’t play any instruments.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.