Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
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[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
Y’all answering phones calls while on the toilet need Jesus
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
They can identify a dead body by its dental records. How cool is that? “We don’t know who he is, but we know his dentist!”
93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
ME: I was born a tree…
ALSO ME: …but I’ll dialog.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
Ever wonder what it’s like to work with the public?
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Me: Jimi Hendrix?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Beatles?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Doors?
Daughter: Who?
Me: Justin Bieber?
Daughter: Hate him.
Me: Thank God.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going