I triple waxed for this?
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Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
Son: why is my name Bince?
Me: i missed the ‘V’ when i texted the doctor your name
Son: can’t we change it?
Me: finish your homework Bince
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
Me carrying the weight of being the funniest person in my whole family
grotesque if literal: baby food
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
[sitting in the front seat of an UberPool while a couple makes out hardcore in the back]
[at a red light, the driver and i suddenly lock eyes]
me: do ya wanna…?
uber driver: no
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!