When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
You Might Also Like
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Waiting for the Charmin
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”
This is my brand.
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know