Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned
Dad: [sighing as he reviews my math homework] it’s sined and you should’ve used tangent
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Dance like you’re not the father
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Breaking news:
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
UK English: colour, realise, marvellous
US English: color, realize, marvelous
Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[hs reunion]
JANE: i’m an engineer
TOM: i’m a real estate developer
AMY: i’m a lawyer
*everyone looks at me*
ME: *panics* i’m a hospital