Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
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If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
a lot of the people who told me i’d never be able to use 6 slabs of acme fish as a blanket are reaaaaal quiet these days…..
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.
ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.
Toy Story is totally unrealistic! I’ve never once won a prize at that stupid claw game.
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
(Arrives in rescue boat to aid sinking cruise ship full of today’s pop artists, saves only Lorde and Sia, speeds away)
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.