Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
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Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
Grampa always said, “when you leave the house make sure you’re wearing clean underwear…. otherwise the raccoons will attack your anus”.
Grampa lived a weird life.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
(Blows you a kiss with chip crumbs hitting your face)
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
*fighting with the husband*
He: deal with it!!
Me: oh yeah??? *calls parents and invites them for a long weekend*
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Kids today have no idea how good they have it. They’ve got fancy electronics, cartoons on tv every day, and even tooth colored fillings.
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again