I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
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Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
I love The Sims because I can act out my craziest fantasies like advancing in my career and building relationships.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
government: let’s reopen stuff.
public: ummmm…
guy who sells death certificate printers: let’s hear him out…
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[prison hospital]
PRIEST: Would you like to ask for forgiveness for anything?
CHARLES MANSON: Not that I can think of
PRIEST: …
CHARLES MANSON: …
PRIEST: Do you want a hint?
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.