Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
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Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.
What’s that? You want to hear my impression of an owl that repeats itself?
Well I couldn’t give two hoots.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.