“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
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I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
[ Quarantine week 2 ]
We want to become self-sufficient so we planted our own tater tot tree.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend