tourist season
You Might Also Like
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
For fun I like to text all the men in my phone, “she has your eyes, can’t wait for you to meet her” and then I sit back and wait.
[18 years after texting a guy “I’m pregnant”]
Him: hey I just saw your text
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered