casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
You Might Also Like
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
What’s the most upsetting moment in every movie? I say it’s when the hero goes into bar and orders “a beer,” never says what kind, and the bartender doesn’t ask
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
In hell your dog dresses you in goofy outfits.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Controversial opinion: no one should be cutting down a Christmas tree unless they intend on eating it.
Mailman left a package on my porch labeled “Do Not Bend.” I can’t figure out how to pick it up.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
I’m calling the cops.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
Dora the explorers parents don’t give any kind of shit about Dora. She’s 7 and she’s flying planes and shit to South America with a monkey!