Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
You Might Also Like
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
Thrilling chase underway
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
I saw jimmy fallon meeting with crab people from outer space. he was giving away our military secrets and laughing at everything they clacked at him with their claws and just generally acting like a piece of shit. you could tell even the crab people were getting uncomfortable
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
fly smarter, not harder
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch