Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
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[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.