Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
The funniest thing about being sober is someday finding out that you were the mayor of Toronto.
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
I’m so down for anne frank demon slayer
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
[Entering Building As A Guy Leaves]
Me: It’s muggy out there.
Guy: I’ll be fine.
*guy is beaten & robbed immediately.
M: Told you.