[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
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[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
a joke attributed to nasreddin, a medieval turkish humorist
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
this was the best i’ve ever seen
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
The struggle is real
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”