Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
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2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Me: Do your chores.
9-year-old: Why do I have to do them at night?!
Me: Because you didn’t do them during the day.
9: I didn’t know they would follow me.
WHO DID THIS?
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
Lmfao
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
I think they need to come up with an explanation for these massive bat ear things other than Batman likes to pretend he’s a bat. Like there should be a scene where he explains it’s for wifi so he doesn’t use all his monthly data.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*