My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
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What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Girl, same.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Word puns may make me numb but math puns make me number.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.