“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
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Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
rapatouille
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
What number SPF blocks people?
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )