Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
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Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
My kids super power is knowing he won’t like a food before he even tries it
Me: you say your dog’s a boxer?
Friend: yeah
Me: [eyes narrow] how does he lace his gloves up?
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Not enough drugs in the world that would make me strip in front of a webcam. But a bottle of wine should do it.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.