SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
You Might Also Like
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Christmas decor isn’t meant to be sleek and minimalist it is supposed to look like joy threw up in your house.
I opened wordle to play while waiting for the bus, and force of habit, I pulled my pants down cause I’m so used to playing it on the toilet
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE