[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
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publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.
NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.
ME: It’s fullnerable.
WIFE: Get out.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
doctor: after numerous tests we figured out you were allergic to sagas
me: how?
doctor: it’s a long story
me: [already vomiting]
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉