Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
You Might Also Like
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”
(first day at law school)
Me: When do we learn about the law of gravity?
Prof: We don’t.
Me: This is BULLSHIT.
*flips table*
*table floats up to ceiling*
[Watching the sunrise with my girlfriend]
HER: Aw, this makes my day.
ME: It makes everyone’s day, Sharon.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
I can’t believe I used to talk to people.
The human personality is made of five key elements
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok