told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
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wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
*i walk over to a coworker who is singing along with a song on the radio, gently put my hand on their shoulder & whisper*
no
There are two types of people, those who pronounce sixth sense “sicksense” and those who pause in the middle
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
<- sleeps well with others
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates