Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
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someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Not all heroes wear capes…
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
“Do not look that up on urban dictionary,” is a nice way of saying “ready the eyeball bleach, because I know you’re gonna.”
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
That was easy.
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.