me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
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I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
It was the Bleh of Times,
It was the Meh of Times…
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
“Don’t wind up the dog, he’ll be annoying”
Me:
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Stop writing so much funny shit, people. I’ve been dishing out stars today like a first grade teacher on meth.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.