It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
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A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
On a road trip passing a billboard that says live girls dancing daily.
My daughter’s voice from the backseat, “wow, that’s a lot of recitals.”
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
hitler’s mom: WHY DO ALL THESE TIME TRAVELERS KEEP TRYING TO KILL MY BABY???
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
Me: Just a glass of water
Scientist waiter: You mean a glass of… yourself? You see, the body is made up of ok ok sit down I’ll bring it
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human