Good night everyone except the demon who invented loud cookie packaging
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Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Welcome to parenthood. Your safe word is now, “What’sthatnoiseohnothekidsareawake!”
When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Her:
Me: Am I in trouble?
Her:
Me: I’m in trouble.
Her:
Me:Bad?
Her:
Me: Bad
Her:
Me: Toilet seat up bad or wrong name during sex bad?
Her:
Me: Calling a lawyer bad?!
Her (taking out ear buds): Are you talking to me?