I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
You Might Also Like
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Upset that roe vs wade has nothing to do with how you navigate a lake.
Bill is short for Billiam
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
How actors in movies eat their food
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
the human. just got home. i have no idea. where they’ve been. but in their absence. they’ll be proud to see. that i took it. upon myself. to redistribute. all the footwear. i could find. throughout the household. because i decided. that was. my duty
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
Me: What’s the word for a female scientist?
Him: A scientist?
Me: No, a ‘ResearcHER,’ Haha get it?
Him: I get that we’re never going on a second date
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.