~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
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People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Some people were born into their job.
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
[ speed dating ]
Her: Tell me one interesting fact about you.
Me: Well, it was nice meeting you. Have a good evening.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*