The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
You Might Also Like
Me when my alarm goes off
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
can I use a minion as a tampon
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Eggs are a healthy breakfast, which is why I don’t feel guilty eating cage free Reese’s ones.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
Most people don’t put music on for pets when they go out, but here’s me going back in the house to change it cuz the dog only likes Top 40.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “echo”
can you use it in a sentence?
SENTENCE entence enᵗᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᵉᶰᶜᵉ ᶜᵉ