Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
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if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
Hey u should give your secret boss this Coke. *bottle says “Share a Coke w/ the Drug Maker Guy”* *undercover cop’s fake mustache falls off*
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda