An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.
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It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
why does every fantasy novel have to start like “He was from Treador, an island of the Kellestaron archipelago, some 5,000 leagues west of the Dribicular mountains but north of —“ YO I’M NOT FROM HERE, JUST TELL ME WHO HAS A SWORD AND WHAT THE SWORD IS NAMED
You learn something every day
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The internet is full of many things
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.