*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
You Might Also Like
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
i get hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“what a dumbass”
“he might be dead”ben franklin gets hit by lightning while flying a kite:
“genius”
“let him create our entire political system”
“put him on money”
“sex symbol”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Jim Carrey: (doing standup) who here is left handed
Audience:
Jim Carrey: all righty then
You let a man into your life and now you’re irritated before 9 am
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”