Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
just make the entire table out of coaster