If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
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The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Husband: I don’t understand
Kids: MOM MOM
H: how we are not
K: DAD DAD
H: able to get
K: MOM MOM
H: more done around the house?
Kids: MOM DAD MOM DAD MOM DAD
H: Never mind.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
Breaking news:
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.